I have a massive headache that's been killing me all day long... lack of sleep I guess, my mom wanted me to drive her someplace early in the morning and after being up and awake I could not go back to sleep when I got home.
The thing is that the last time I got a head ache like this was actually about a week ago. I had a system breakdown due to some heavy thinking and I was not able to go to bed until like 4 am or so, and then I had to wake up early because my dad needed some stuff done... so I had no like "no time to sleep"... I mean, I did have the time... I just couldn't and then I had to do some stuff, see?? But the is not the point, the point is the headache that I got that time...
I got a headache for being up late... doing what? Well I was thinking. I could have just overlooked the matter but I just couldn't. Why? Because it was about me facing one of my greatest fears.
I once saw a movie in which one of the character said: "A man who fears nothing is a man who loves nothing...". Well there you go, I once was fearless because I had nothing to lose. Today I do have something to lose, and to lose that would be losing the most important thing in my life and the greatest thing that have ever happened! So I'm afraid, so to speak... but I don't want to be afraid; to live in fear is worst than fear itself in my opinion, and long ago I decided not to be afraid in life so that I could live it fully.
But the guy from the movie also said "... and what joy there is in life for a man that loves nothing??". So there you go, I once was bitter and I don't wanna go back to that...
What to do? I decided to live my life not with fear but with caution, and in order to do that I will need to face every fear that I might have. It is the hard way, I know... It would be easier to just turn my back and walk away from that but then I wouldn't be happy.
So I'm taking the hard way and by doing that I know that I will make several heads to ache, starting with mine, but it's the path I've chosen and I need this in order to feel in peace with me... So what I'm trying to say is that, if one day I give any of you a headache because of my silly way of living life please forgive me; and if I have already gave anyone such a headache I am really sorry... It has never been my intention to hurt anyone.
Now, despite my headache, I am going to read one of those new books I've got waiting.
Lyrics?
Nah... I'll start a new tradition. From now on it's gonna be videos at the end of my posts.
Anthem - Immortal Bind
4 comments:
Te lo escribo en español para que estés seguro que lo digo en serio.
Muchas veces te he envidiado por tu forma de ver y tomar la vida (a ti y a muchos otros que saben quienes son y seguro también están leyendo esto), es tan distinta a la mía, y obviamente funciona mucho mejor... obviamente no conmigo, pero me alegra que contigo sí, si no, no serías tú.
Disculpame por haber sido parte de tus dolores de cabeza, nunca fue mi intención y espero que lo sepas. Espero que el nuevo camino te funcione y sepas que la paz no está al final si no en el camino... Estoy segura que te va a funcionar.
Si alguna vez me causas un dolor de cabeza, sabes que te lo haré saber, pero nunca te lo reclamaré porque sé que sería sin intención.
Sé que no tengo moral para esto porque la primera cobarde en la vida soy yo, pero ya deja de tener tanto miedo a perder lo que sabes que nunca perderás.
You have nothing to be sorry about kid, I told you that from day one.
I am a forgiving guy and I have finally forgotten that... so it's forgiven and forgotten.
And if I had a headache it was because I was not strong willed enough to withstand it, so there you go.
PS: Thank you for the kind words.
I'm really sorry that you got those headaches, and I know I'm the cause of your fears, and that no matter how many times I tell you that I will always be there, it just won't go away. I also know I'm a hard person, and due to my background I don't make it any easier... And it's not just my background because I have grown and changed a lot, but it's the way I am and the way I live my life itself what fucks most people off. However, I really appreciate that you love me the way I am and accept me, that means the world to me, so THANK YOU!
Anyway, you have caused me tons of headaches, but it's fair enough. And I know by fact that in the long run they are good to me, 'cause they have made me, little by little, a better person, and I only wanna get better for you, cuz you deserve better.
I want you to know that I will try my best and push myself further everyday in order to make you feel happy and safe.
I love you with all my heart, and nothing will change that, although I fear losing you by doing something completely stupid. But, in a sick way, it feels good to feel that way, and it is the first time I get that with anyone (myself included).
Loves you deeply,
your Neko Aijin.
XOXO
*Karito*
Stay true brother.
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